So I have finally returned to this blog after an absence that was, for the most part, completely out of my hands. I did not really know whether or not to continue doing tarot card readings… What was the point of starting, only to get interrupted due to a sudden personal issue? So, my blog has remained dormant for this past while. I remained stuck on creating a new look to my blog as well. Mana was dead set on having a brand new name for this blog, as well as a new look and feel. For some reason, I could not create such a new design. It took me a while to figure out that this was because I could not channel Mana. She was gone.
It was only recently, with the onset of summer, that I began to sense Mana’s return. This came along with my gradual, non-linear improvement in overall mental health since the beginning of the year. The beginning of last December marked one year since the absolute worst mental health episode in my entire life. I began recalling details from that episode that would have been best forgotten. The fear, and the pressure not to have such an episode again, began to well up within me. Others were counting on me to make an improvement in my life. I did not want to let them down.
Well… I did, and I didn’t. In some areas of my life I did improve, but in others I regressed quite a bit. This was the exact reason that Mana had left me, I believe. She realized that I had to sort out some shit before I could be graced with her magical presence. No Mana meant no tarot card readings… I had to figure this stuff out all on my own. And I did, for the most part. There is still one issue that is pressing me at this time, but that is to be filed away for further contemplation.
As for my own mental health journey? It has been a bumpy ride. Being given a diagnosis at a young age, experiencing anxiety and panic attacks without knowing what on Earth they were, and having sudden depressive episodes. All of these issues have become a part of my life. As an individual who has a mental illness, I cannot simply become “cured” one day. The mental health journey is not something that has an ‘end goal’ or a destination state. There is no ‘ideal’ self that I will eventually become due to medication, therapy, etc. All that I can ever hope for is understanding from others in my life.